Holding Pattern
by bethegentleone
Summary: "He's probably just tired of waiting." How this conversation should have gone. Because I refuse to aknowledge them just being a holding pattern. Stay tuned, multi-chapter! Enjoy :)
1. Planning

"He's probably tired of waiting."

She looked dumbstruck. Then she blushed.

"Waiting… you mean—"

"Damn right that's what I mean. You really gotta get your act together, girl." Lanie's gaze could feel piercing at times.

"Anyway," she said, rather to the glass of wine than to Lanie, "how am I even supposed to talk to him right now? It's not like he'd listen."

"Honestly? I think you should just show him. Works best for me most of the times."

Kate left her glass of wine to cradle her head in her hands. "We don't really do this, Lanie. We don't just… flirt with each other like that." She could see the laughter flowing out of Lanie's chest before she could hear it.

"That's the worst lie you've ever told me."

"But it's not a lie! It's just that—"

"Of _course_ it is. You used to be in sync all the time. Or how else would you know that something isn't right between you right now? Plus, I've seen those looks, you know.", Lanie said, grabbing the wine bottle to refill both of their glasses.

"Well," Kate said, startled, "I mean, if you look at it like that…" Her fingers caught the stem of her glass without raising it to her lips. How could she feel so dizzy if she hadn't even had one glass of wine, yet Lanie looked so calm and wise nipping at her second?

"Look, here's what to do: next time you see him, which will probably be tomorrow morning way too early in the middle of some messy murder scene, you grab his hand and drag him behind the bushes and make some wonderful little Castle babies, or—", she raised her voice when Kate was already in a state of embarrassed protest, "you just go and talk to him tonight. And you make him listen. With everything you've got." Kate shut her mouth. "This is it, right? This is the one to fight for. Go and do what you do best."

Kate remained still for a moment. Then she slipped off her stool in silence, kissed Lanie on the cheek and left both her and her wine abandoned in the kitchen.


	2. Waiting

Hot anticipation was tingling under her skin as she waited for the elevator to reach the top floor. She couldn't seem to stand still, her hands fidgeting with a seam of her jacket. She could do this. She would do this. She was going to do this. What if he didn't listen to her? She swallowed that doubt down with hope. Of course he would. She could do this. She was a cop, right? She could make anyone listen and talk. That was her job. She could do this.

Trembling muscles carried her out of the elevator and her breath was just a wee bit shaky. She could do this. She would do this. She—

"Katherine. What brings you here at this hour?" Whoa. Wait.

"Hi...Martha." She wasn't prepared for this. " I was actually hoping to find Rick."

"I'm afraid he isn't here. A young lady gave him her number this morning and he called her back just this afternoon. I can't seem to remember her name." Cool disappointment spread in Kate's chest.

"So are you saying that Castle–", she barely mustered up the courage to ask, "he's on a date?"

"It certainly seemed that way when he left."

This was horror. Frustration pushed teeth into her bottom lip. Hurt. Anger. How on earth could this be happening? This wasn't how it was supposed to be. He couldn't just call some random girl who probably scribbled her number on his Starbucks Cup, smiley face underneath.

Except he could.

He wasn't tied to her in any way. Not officially, that is. They had never given their little something a proper name, they just knew it was way beyond friendship. And they would figure it out someday somehow. Or at least that was what she had thought up until the point where he started being so distant. But now?

"Well, then… thanks. Martha. Have a good night," she said, hoping that her voice didn't give her away.

"You too, my dear." Martha closed the door softly, not without giving her a consolatory smile.

It was well past midnight when Kate unlocked the door to her apartment. She didn't even bother to switch on the lights and went straight to her bed, slipping out of her clothes and under the covers, which failed to offer any comfort. She knew she'd wake up restless.

(She did.)

Morning came fast and brutally, just to tear her out of bed and into some boots she found scattered across the floor. She brushed her teeth and left without a bite of breakfast, and she didn't care. She'd burn her lips to the precinct coffee like she always did ever since she had to get her own coffee in the morning. Pretty much like she had always done in the time before Castle. It still seemed fresh and bleeding not to find him with both of their cups in his palms, smiling widely, and she missed the way their fingers would touch for just a second when she took hers. She missed the tender look in his eyes when he said "Good morning" and how he always seemed to read her with ease. Most of the times that she's had a rough night, it was the first thing he saw. She missed the stories about the redheads and the ins and outs of his family life.

She missed approximately everything about him.

Ryan and Espo didn't seem to have noticed the change in Castle. They still laughed at the jokes he told, even if they seemed so different than the light-hearted, silly theories about the murders, which had vanished completely. Perhaps it was hard to catch for someone who didn't pay attention to him during the better part of the day. It could be a partner thing. She had seen Esposito pick up on Ryan's mood in a split second dozens of times and vice versa. Castle did that all the time. She knew he always had her back. Well, at least he used to.

Now she couldn't be so sure anymore.

There was no new case for them to work on, so she settled in with a pile of paperwork waiting for her to carefully comb through it. Ryan and Esposito were chatting about their weekend plans and debated what brand sold the best kind of cheese crackers. She didn't listen too carefully, just pushed and pulled paper over her desk and under her lazily scribbling pen. Laney called in around nine to say that she had finished the reports of the closed case and that they were in place for her to pick them up. Also she told her she would die to know how it had gone with Castle. Kate mumbled an absent-minded "not now" and only barely registered that Laney invited her to lunch to talk about it.

Castle still hadn't called. It was past ten. Her heart sank deeper with every minute that she checked her watch without a sign of him in the precinct. It wasn't typical. He showed up even if there wasn't a case. Just to join the team and supply them with coffee and Chinese takeout. It was something she had yet to get used to, because he had shown up later and later in the past weeks. She realized she was chewing on her pencil again, when Ryan leaned over.

"Hey, Beckett, Castle just texted me."

"What? Really?" Her heart started pounding noticeably. "What does he say?"

"That he won't come today and probably not tomorrow either. Says he's busy with something."

"Mm."

"What?" Ryan genuinely didn't seem to realize Castle was pulling away.

"It's just weird. Why wouldn't he text _me_?"

"I don't know, Beckett. He's gonna be fine, though, right? It's not like he won't come back." The mechanic grip of her fingers around the pen grew tighter.

"Yeah, of course not."

She pushed her best smile over her lips and tried to get back to the black and white in front of her. Of course he was gonna come back.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm sorry I kept you all waiting, and I promise I will update the next chapter sooner. It's just that real life got a bit in the way. Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Stay tuned!


	3. Colliding

Screw waiting.

It's been two days since she'd dropped by the loft in the middle of the night and the sitting and moping afterwards had changed nothing about her miserable state. It's ridiculous, but here she goes again, stepping out of the elevator in Castle's building onto the luxurious carpet of the hallway. That same hallway that had found her nervous and excited at first and that had carried her shattered at last two nights ago. She didn't care if she was greeted with a twenty-two-year-old at his side. Or two. She just had to know. More importantly, she needed _him_ to know how she really feels about him. She's been tempted to let Lanie's advice slide the past days. And why? Out of cowardice. Again.

Kate huffed at that thought. Everyone saw the brave badass superhero cop in her with steel nerves and not a flicker of fear. It's funny how little people could sometimes see in you. All the pain and worry safely bottled up somewhere deep down, not to be seen or heard of. (Except by Castle that is, who through some wicked magic always seemed to dig deep and just grab whatever was anchored in the dark depths of thought and feeling.

And that's exactly why she needed him so badly. Needed him to do his job. (Which was too keep her in check.) She seemed incapable of taming her raging thoughts. She was his One-Writer-Girl. And he couldn't just move on and go back to his old life. Not when he left irreversible changes in hers.

Her pulse was speeding up again. But this was her way to go. She knew that no one would ever fill her with the same kind of warmth and wonder than Castle.

She flexed her fingers in an attempt to get some of that tension out, but she didn't lose the restlessness that consumed her; she wouldn't before she knocked on that door again. So she did.

It sounded like the only sound in a large empty hall to her. Was this a good idea? What if he was out on a date (again)? What if his mother opened the door and she was here to make a fool of herself, that lonely confused woman her son seemed to have had a thing for at some point. What if—

"Beckett."

He was right in front of her. Standing in the doorway, his hand leaning against the frame. And god, was he beautiful.

But it still stung to hear him voice her name with indifference.

"Castle." She didn't know where to put her hands, what to do with them – what were hands even there for? They just seemed to hang awkwardly at her sides, or twist the fabric of her jacket and the buttons on her sleeves.

"What are you doing here exactly?" Castle looked confused, irritated or something in between.

"I… well I'm here because of… you mind if I come in?"

He shrugged, pushing off the frame to open the door just wide enough for her to get in. He didn't seem to care or be happy about it, but at least he didn't close the door in front of her then and there.

"So." He closed the door as she stepped further into the loft. Amazingly, there didn't seem to be anyone here besides them. There were alone for once. "You still didn't answer my question."

She turned around to face him.

"You know what, Castle?" She stepped forward. "I don't know. I don't even know it myself. Because you seem to have changed at some point in the last few weeks, you're so distanced around me and you stopped looking at me like that and–", she ran a hand through her hair, "you go on dates again and – god, I just really want to know _why_."

Relief washed over her in a wave because finally, for the first time in weeks, she told him what was on her mind.

Castle stood unmoved. She couldn't read his expression or posture. She would never be able to deny just how much she wanted him. But she would probably never be able to say it out loud either, so screw it. With two large steps she reached him and pushed herself up to meet his lips.

He felt just the same. Just like she remembered it from that dark alley in an undercover mission much too dangerous and much too nerve-racking for more reasons than just highly trained criminals with guns. She cradled his jaw in her hands, brushing over his cheek with a thumb. Warmth soaked through his shirt under her hands when they left his skin, roaming over his clavicle, coming to a rest on his shoulders. His proximity held her in the soft embrace of his cologne and she could feel his every breath against her chest.

Until she felt herself being pushed away.

"Kate, what the hell?"

Oh no.

"What—", he gritted out between heavy breaths, "seriously, what's wrong with you? Is that your way of fixing things?"

Castle's face was flushed, but she couldn't tell if from the kiss or from anger. Pain was etched in his eyes. Like physical pain she felt the urge of touching him again, soothing whatever mess it was that gave him that haunted look.

"Rick, I just want to know why," she said softly. "I can see that you're hurting—"

"Damn right I'm hurting. But that's none of your business now. Don't come in here and play dumb on me, Beckett. You know exactly what you did. Or rather—", he said, turning away from her, "what you didn't do." Suddenly Castle looked ten years older, so weary and desolate. "Please just go." His hand already rested on the knob of the open door.

Kate felt frozen on the spot, frustration spreading sourly in her chest. This couldn't be possible. Castle was still leaning onto the metal. Not even looking at her.

"Fine. Who cares? Certainly not me, because if there's anything I know for sure is that you aren't my partner. 'Cause my partner wouldn't give up on us like that. I really wanted this to work, Castle, but you keep running away from me. And I don't know what to do at this point. Sure, I'm not exactly great at showing it, but you are—" she sought his eyes, scraped his gaze from the floor up to her face, "important… to me. I mean, you are the writer and all and that's supposed to be your thing but I-I'm stuck with those pictures", she felt her voice fighting not to drown in her throat, "of you… and me. Of us. That's what's on my mind every time after a tough case or when I go to sleep-" no tears, no tears, no tears "and I wish you were there, too."

Kate tugged at the fabric of her jacket to wrap herself a little tighter in it, before she strolled past him.

"This is not the man I fell in love with."

Large steps carry her out of the apartment, as she pulls the door shut behind her. Heat makes its way up to her cheeks, but she feels the water already threatening to flee from her lashes, so she starts blinking furiously (as if that had ever prevented the inevitable).

No elevator - how could she ever stand the mockery of the same steady lights and buttons and mirrors that have guided her up here, to this particular hallway, dozens of times. Instead, she took the stairs. Her trembling knees somehow managed to carry her, although it rather felt like falling. With fading speed she reached the first floor.

She passed the elevator in grim silence and only absently noticed the doors sliding open, before an arm caught her waist and pulled her into the elevator. Her breath hitched as weight pressed her back against the wall. Of course it was-

"Castle." Her voice was nothing but a husk.

He held her steady, one hand still at her hip and another cupping the shell of her ear. Softly, gently he brushed his nose against her forehead to place a kiss on her skin. The elevator doors slid closed.

"You said something," he murmured into some strays of hair, "something that left me confused because—", beautiful blue got hold of her and sent shivers down her spine, "I thought you didn't feel the same way."

She pushed up on her feet to snake her arms close around his neck. "What could I possibly have done to make you think that?"

"Well, you lied."

"What do you mean?"

In that very instant she saw sorrow clouding his eyes. But he didn't let go of her, didn't grant her one inch away from him. Not that she would mind that in the slightest. Instead, she buried her hands in the nape of his hair and pulled him slightly closer.

"During the bombing case there was an interrogation where you… I mean, how can you not know?"

Kate had dipped her head to his chest. Of course she knew.

"Oh Castle. I should have told you in person. You were there when I talked to Bobby, weren't you?"

He didn't answer, just breathed in the crown of her hair.

"You know, Castle," she said, straightening up a little, "I just- I don't know, I didn't want to lie to you but it was so incredibly hard for me to just… breathe and I couldn't face whatever this thing between us—" a smile crept onto his lips "might be. I just wanted to be ready and capable of handling myself before I would ask you for the same. I just didn't want to bother you."

His fingers drew tender lines on her jaw. "You," he said firmly, "could never bother me. As a matter of fact I think we have been through too many early morning calls and near-death scenarios for you to bother me with anything as mundane as, say, the psychological complexities of a human being."

She wanted to kiss him. She wanted to kiss him so desperately. And he could probably see every trace of that wish in her face. And the tense muscles of her thighs that she kept in place in an effort of not jumping onto his hips then and there. But he was to take that step. She could not face him rejecting her one more time.

"So that thing that left me confused a minute ago," he said, gazing at her lips, "say it again."

She really had trouble remembering what she had said right now.

"I said a lot of things, Castle." Her voice was barely leaving her mouth.

"The one where you said you fell in love with me."

Castle's thumb traced her words as she spoke again. "I'm in love with you."

She felt his lips crushing hers, slowly, his tongue soothing her bottom lip. And suddenly it didn't feel like it did a year ago at all. Everything was without haste, like time had come to a halt. A warm palm eased her lower back gently into him.

"Kate…" A low whisper made every hair of her body [go up]. It was like breathing the first breath of oxygen after being underwater. No coldness, no distance, just affection and warmth in every four letters of her name.

The elevator dinged and they jumped apart, if only for a few inches. Someone she didn't recognize entered the small and she felt Castle physically shielding her with his broad shoulders. He didn't seem to care much about the other man, though, only ever looking at her while still holding on tightly.

In silence, they rode up until they were left to their privacy just a floor underneath the loft, so Castle tentatively turned to push the button for his floor.

When the doors opened again for the second time, Castle took her hand in his and led her out of the elevator. She couldn't suppress the huge smile that stretched on her cheeks when she walked over to the apartment door, _again_ , not when Castle refused to let go of her even to open the door.

They didn't make it that far. She was pushed against the door faster than she could think, one leg hitched on his hip. Hot kisses covered the skin of her neck and she moaned blissfully. Until she stopped short at the sight of a to-go coffee cup on the kitchen desk.

"Castle, what about that date of yours?"

He blinked. Confused.

"What date?"

Kate felt her chest tighten as she slid her leg off his hip, but his hand on her lower back firmly kept her from pulling away too far. Worry spilled into his eyes.

"I was here just a couple of days ago… to talk, but you weren't there and your mum—", she hesitated, unwilling to repeat Martha's word in fear, they would be true. "Your mum said you were on a date."

Castle stared at her, shaking his head while a slight smile crept onto his face. "Well, apparently, there's been a misunderstanding, because I certainly wasn't on a date."

Something like hope fluttered in Kate's chest. Then she remembered: "But Martha told me about a woman who gave you her number." She started fidgeting with the sleeves of her shirt again. "And where were you then?"

"I _was_ out that night, and there _was_ a woman who gave me her number."

She blinked. Waiting.

"I just met a very old friend of mine when I got coffee two days ago. Her name is Caroline and we used to go to school together, so she gave me her current phone number and we went to dinner that night to catch up."

Oh, Kate felt her breathing coming back again.

"It was really nice, though it definitely wasn't a date." He looked down. "I wouldn't have been ready to do that yet."

Her eyes shot up to meet his. "Yet?"

The hand on her back started roaming. "Well, I guess it all depends on what we're gonna do next."

She snaked her arms around his neck and pushed up her toes to dust feather-light kisses over his jaw, until she heard him moaning beneath her and felt him pulling her flush against him. She bit her lip. This was gonna be good.

"Actually, I have some ideas."

 **Okay guys, happy holidays first of all! I hope you like the update. (Leave a review!) Don't worry, they will get to talk about things and no, it won't end in misery, I promise.** **Stay tuned!**


End file.
